When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
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Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Finally! 😈
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots