Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing