Seas the day!!!!
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When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
this is the best interaction on twitter
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer