rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
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*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.