My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.