Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*jingles half the way*
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee