Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
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I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Breaking news:
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”