Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
My time has come.
bugs when you lift up a rock
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?