A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
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[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
You have been warned.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.