PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Pringles
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.