Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You Might Also Like
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.