Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
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You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
What if all the cashiers are married?
Meow
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.