mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.