ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
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My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
do u think theres a butter planet?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.