Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.