My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
saving face 👀
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.