*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
My typo game is string.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house