Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.