if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
You Might Also Like
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
☺️
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS