Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.