I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?