ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
When he asks for feet pics
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”