“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
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Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
is this a threat
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.