[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
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The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot