*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
WHO DID THIS?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Anime is real
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me