People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
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Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Is your wife single?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Who called it baking and not making love
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.