BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun