I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
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I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Waiting for the Charmin
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.