I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
You Might Also Like
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
don’t be scared
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
me after eating Cheetos
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.