I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Any refunds available?…
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*