Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
got so much cardio in today
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Thrilling chase underway
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.