Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”