[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Beware of fowl play.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…