Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
You Might Also Like
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Social Media and Real life
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.