ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.