why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
You Might Also Like
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Message from the dog groomers
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Bootstraps
when u come home smelling like another dog
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.