[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
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*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
If snakes were wide
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?