‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission