Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge