just left a huge legacy in there
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My neighbors had a party and didn鈥檛 invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we鈥檙e fighting
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you鈥檙e welcome.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He鈥檚 not ignoring your text, he鈥檚 sounding it out. Give him a second.
Just because I鈥檓 gay, doesn鈥檛 mean I don鈥檛 know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
So creative 馃槀
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note鈥oes anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”