When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My god she’s good.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting