Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.