People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You Might Also Like
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
*launders Kohls cash*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory