One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
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[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*