Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.