judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
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For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.