the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos