They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.