Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets