As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal